Mexican Jumping Beans: A Great Souvenir for People You Hate

"Oh cool! Real Mexican jumping beans! Let's buy a bunch of them (in their 1x1 inch plastic cases), bring them back to the USA (through Customs, who for some reason doesn't confiscate them), and give them to our friends and family (that we supposedly love)."

Not so fast.

At 5:00 AM this morning, my Boyfriend and I fell upon a horrifying discovery. We were getting ready to leave for the airport, when we noticed our pile of souvenirs from Mexico was a little off. The obnoxious jumping beans were clicking around in their cages, rattling away.. but something was different, bad different.

I pick up one of the containers of the "beans" and realize the beans are not alone. There are effing moth creatures living in the plastic container, that's right, MOTH CREATURES. I scream and throw the stupid transparent box of insects onto the TV stand, causing my boyfriend to take charge of the investigation.

Sure, I knew there were little wormy things living in jumping beans, causing their spasms, which make them so famous.. but I wasn't expecting a giant, disgusting, poop-colored moth of death to crawl out and infiltrate my home in less than a week after purchasing. EW.

Boyfriend, after confirming what I saw was in fact a moth-creature, got chills of disgust (for he hates moths the most), and then proceeded in saving his girlfriend from the Mexican souvenirs gone awry. He puts the beans' cages into several sealable plastic Ziploc's, and then disposes of them outside in the garbage bin, far away from me, and the house in which they were plotting to infest and make into a Mexican jumping larva, moth-bean fiesta (they were probably aware of how much tequila we own which any Mexican animal/plant can survive off of for months without food).

So.. if you really hate somebody, go to Mexico, bring back some wonderful jumping beans.. and give them to said favorite enemy, because people you like deserve better souvenirs than larva in a bean-like-shell that turns into shit-stained, wanna-be-but-failed butterflies. Mexican jumping beans suck.

P.S. This is my 100th post! So much for a special blog about 100 things in my life that are awesome (I could only find 41 anyways).. maybe for 101!? 

Photo credit: 
http://www.jumpingbeansrus.com/
http://commons.wikimedia.org   

Courtney Returns: A Very Cabo San Lucas Vacation

And the cat came back.. Yes, that's right, I'm back, bitches. Did I get boob job/nose job/calf implants/surgically installed elf ears? No, not this time. For those who read the title of this post, I was doing a little, err a lot of vacationing. And let me tell you, it was MUCH needed. After a stressful last week of school, with finals to the max and projects out the wazoo, plus packing and planning, I almost lost it. But when we finally got to that Baja sun, ahhhhh.. it was good.

So where the hell is this Cabo place anyways? I actually didn't even know until like a couple days before we left (I should work for a travel agency with these planning skills). You know that big peninsula thing hanging off Mexico under California? Yeah, it's on the tip of that.

It has been hard selecting which pictures are worthy for this post, so perhaps I'll post some now, and some later (I don't have all of them yet, since our friend took most of them). Some of these I stole from friends on Facebook, so if I jacked your picture, Hey, I love you!

Okay so we stayed at a really nice condo called Marina Sol. We? Oh, yes, the boyfriend and I shared the place with our close friends who are also a couple (we then later met up with a bunch of other friends, too). The condo was spacious, comfy, and had everything we could need:

We sat by the pool a little bit, but mostly hit the beach regardless of its infestation of Mexican salespeople attacking from every corner with trinkets and shit-niblets galore (No Gracias! I don't want a fish wind chime, a glittery orange wrap, or a henna tattoo of a pelican!). There were some great places to get drinks, snacks and food along the beach, though.

One place, called Baja Cantina, was our favorite. We went there for breakfast most every morning, drank there on the beach, and went to a festive dinner show with dancing there one night, as well. The view was great!

Yes, I could get very used to seeing this every morning. And the whole not having to wear a coat, gloves, and a hat thing was pretty nice, as well. Any place that is warm enough to be pant-less year round is where I need to spend the rest of my life. Does Cabo need a medical illustrator that can't speak Spanish?

And now for the shocker:

You probably didn't know I was pregnant, right? Correct, because I am not pregnant, not at all. But for some reason, I look like I'm about to pop out a child any second in this picture.. like a huge child. Weird.

Apparently I had the baby in the time between these two pictures, because it's not there, now. Hmm.. silly optical illusions, scaring everybody on Facebook.

But in other, non-baby news, we rented a boat and went out around the rock formations and arch thing, and the smelly, poopy sea lions on a rock. The man driving the boat, full of gasoline, enjoyed smoking cigarettes while operating it. It may have been unsafe, but it was good to be far away from the Nanny-State that idiots like Ralph Nader helped make.

At one point, we jumped in to swim (not to pee, I swear..) and then remembered there was no ladder to crawl back in on. After a few attempts to get back in the boat, we realized it was much more difficult than we thought when we jumped in. After seeing our lives go by in an instant, we managed to get the boys to all help us back in. I'm glad those stupid sea lions didn't bite me, they smell seriously like the biggest shit ever.

One of our fun activities included going on a booze cruise with our large group of our friends that were there. We met some crazy ridiculous people, as you can imagine, on a boat full of drunk vacationers. My favorite group of people from that event were the crazy cougars that partied way harder than the rest of us who were less than half their ages. The cougars adored me, and wanted to dance with me, kiss me, and tell me how pretty I was. One lady said, "I wish you were my daughter," and then she fell down, spilling her drink all over herself, and my sweater. They would then make out with 20 year old boys, and I think the one lady's husband was there. Classy.

Of course we did a lot of eating, drinking, a little dancing, some partying, some shopping, a little beaching, swimming. We went to Cabo Wabo, and Squid Roe, the two most notable bars in the area.. which are a heck of a lot of fun. One day we went out to the Lover's Beach, which can only be reached by boat. There, we got eaten alive by bugs and Tess got sun poisoning. Hey, it's pretty, though:

If you look on the rocks, you can spy a Mexican laying on top of one, there was another hiding in the shadows. When the one guy came out of his hermit hole, we realized we was wearing a diaper contraption with a sweatshirt over his waist. Hmmm...

The first day, we also met James Cameron. Well, at least someone who I thought was James Cameron. Whoever it was, he was super funny and played along, to assist in fooling the one-too-many-margarita-Courtney. When those pictures turn up, I will be sure to post, and go into a little greater detail. I still have hope it was him!!

Anyway.. that's where I've been these past week and some change (plus finishing school). Now I'm back, basically stress-free after some serious sun therapy. Hopefully this good feeling will last, and I will have time to write a lot and catch up with all of my favorite blogs.

Next time, I won't be writing another diary entry like this, because these type of entries probably bore me even more than they bore you. I just have so many great things to bitch about instead!

Just again, because it can't hurt: NOT PREGGERS. Just a crazy picture..

Map via cabovillas.com
Photo credit mexicovacationtravels.com

A Needed Break for A Personal Matter

Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I will be blog breaking for the next week and a half, maybe a few days more. I still exist, and I will be back. Don't you dare forget about me.

But, over the next week and some change, I will be attending to a personal matter that will require my full attention. Personal matter? I know.. you all think it's something super juicy, dreadfully serious or both. Is Courtney going to save dogs from a California puppy mill? or is she filming a secretive documentary about how racist Snuggie commercials are?

If you guessed "Boob Job".. you might be right. But, you will have to wait in see. This matter will require a follow up blog post.

Have a great next week or so, and hopefully when I get back, I'll be ready to unveil some sweet blog changes, along with a new attitude and some actual TIME to catch up with every one of my readers who I love so dearly. Hope to see you all soon, much love! Adios!

This Week In Courtney Rae

Well well well, has it been another week? Actually, it's been a lot longer than a week since I last updated you about my exciting life. I've posted about one blog every week, so these had to come a little more spread out, you understand.

Sunday was Valentine's Day. Many people complain about how dumb the holiday is (coincidentally, those are the same people who know one likes - just kidding... kinda), but I rather enjoy the holiday, and always have, even when I was in the ugly-duckling-awkward-fatty high school stage where boys only talked to me for easy access to crystal meth.. err wait, was that a Lifetime movie I watched this weekend?

Any who, my boyfriend and I spent our second Valentine's day together. He took me to one of the nicest restaurants in the city (no, not Red Lobster, we have a few more places than that, I swear...), he brought me flowers, and gave me a card that sings. It was an upgrade from last year's cooking fish in my apartment.. but I did get some pretty nice pearl and diamond earrings last year. Either way, I love him, and we had a very romantic, enjoyable evening.

As you, and my other faithful readers know, I have been a grade A slacker lately. This is due to school projects, as the quarter (it's like a semester, but more stressful) is coming to an end. If you think all the time I'm not blogging, but spending on projects is paying off, you're wrong. I've been doing these dumb skeleton illustrations I thought were the shit.. but it turns out "the shit" is only equivalent to an 81%. I can't wait to see the grades I get on the ones even I thought were terrible...

 

If you follow me on Twitter, you are probably aware of my trendiness factor rising, as of lately. It started with the iPhone, then with social networking via the apps, then with buying thigh-high brown suede boots and wearing a beret. As of the this Friday, I have reached a new plateau. The sushi plateau. I've had sushi 3 weekends in a month's time, and have liked it at every instance. I got an Angel Roll this time.. freaking delicious.

Other week highlights include me accidentally buying extra large underwear, my whole apartment getting a not-quite-Spring cleaning makeover, the purchase of a new crazy dress that will surely frighten my poor boyfriend when he takes me to a formal event on Friday, and me scrapping my knee on a piece of clothing (I think there was wood under it?).

Oh and did I mention.. upstate NY hell had barely ANY snow all week (knock on wood), while the rest of the country got slammed with blizzards and snowdrifts that were taller than 5th graders. Though I felt bad for my family and friends who were experiencing such misery, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony, as I paraded down the street sans boots for the first time in months. Ha Ha. This is the most snow we had the entire week:

 

Hope all is well, everyone. I have another 8 days until I'll have some serious chill time before official vacation starts. Finals week is next week, but I'm most likely done on Wednesday, and you can bet I'll be sitting around eating Sour Cream and Onion Lays, greasing up my Mac, looking at funny cat pictures, and catching up on life when that's over. If you want, you can drive up here and help me get some projects done in the meantime.

Just Some Random Observations

Now that I have a phone which actually takes decent pictures, and these pictures can actually be put onto my computer (tsk tsk Verizon phone), I have been trying to take more, especially of things I find funny, ironic, or thought-provoking. Here are a few:

 My college honestly has the worst vending machine selection. This is not a great example, because I didn't take a picture of the "healthy" vending machine, which consists of 50% trail mixes, and bird feed. Bet, who really likes Mallow Cups? Sure, I'll eat a Baby Ruth, or a 3 Musketeers if I get one Trick-or-Treating, but who says, "I'm craving a nougat log dipped in chocolate.. hope there's one in the vending machine?"

Why are there 6 (only 5 shown) shopping carts parked in front of my apartment building? Do I live at a grocery store? In my previous post, regarding my horrible neighbors, I mentioned a lone shopping cart roaming around the hallway, sometimes shoved in front of my door. This must be the gang of rogue carts in which he belongs to. I'm pretty sure they escaped from the nearby Walmart, with the help of some lazy tenants who don't realize cart-napping is a criminal offense.

Here is a vehicle in the same apartment complex parking lot. This guy is a real handyman, as you can see. Instead of getting his broken car lock fixed, he constructed a newer, more convenient, more beautiful one. He must have some serious valuables in there he doesn't want anybody getting too.

Oh, and on a side note, I'm sorry I haven't been a very good blogger lately, not just with posting, but more importantly with reading all my favorites and getting time to leave comments. I hate that I don't have time to do what I enjoy, but my college would not be too happy if I was relaxed and having fun, would it, now? Hopefully someday soon..

How To Be The Worst Neighbor Ever

Here's a little How To on to be the worst wall-sharing apartment neighbor ever... kind of like the people who live to the right of me... or exactly like..

1. You're going to need lots and lots of weed, to smoke every school night at 11:00 PM while your nice, law-abiding neighbor is trying to take an online Med Term exam and finish an AIDS transmission text book diagram on Adobe Illustrator. Make sure you smoke right near the vents, so all the smell goes into her bedroom and studio, so she can hardly breathe. On Sundays, smoke every hour and a half, because you know she's trying to finish an important paper for Monday.

2. After getting super high, it's sex time... against your shared wall. Make sure to squeal like a pig that's being slaughtered so that pesky, studious neighbor can't get ANY sleep for that early exam. Do this in hour intervals until about 5 am, or when the neighbor starts senselessly beating the wall so hard, you decide to notice.

3. If you can't find anyone to bang, there's always the drums on Rock Band. "Click Click Click Click Click Click Click, Ticka, Click Click Click Click Click Click Click." You're neighbor should thank you for the free musical serenade as she tries to fall asleep.

4. Once you leave in the morning to go do whatever stoner-hippies do, make sure you leave your alarm clock set for an hour after you depart. That studying bitch doesn't deserve to have quiet day of getting work done, she needs blaring, honking sirens at 15 minute intervals, ALL DAY LONG. HA!

5. After coming home for the day, walk over to Walmart to do some shopping. Bring the cart back, unload your groceries, and leave the cart in front of your neighbors door. This will be very annoying when she's trying to get out of her apartment to take 3 huge bags of trash to the dumpster.

6. It's laundry time. And it looks like that pesky wall-sharer is trying to wash her clothes as well. Take up every single washer, putting 3 articles of clothing in each one, so they're 7% full (Like the Titanic lifeboats). This way, she'll have to waste another 30 minutes of her time, waiting for you to transfer your loads to the dryer. For an added touch, "forget" about your wash and leave them there for a few hours. Modify these tactics for dryer use.

7. Since you get so lonely in the day, you'll need a pet. Opt for a dog. Dogs are against apartment policy, and they also bark all the time while your neighbor might be trying to concentrate. Arf Arf Arf Arf. That's not annoying.. tehehe!

8. In the winter time, since your motorcycle isn't usable, you'll need a place to put it. Instead of putting it at the end of the parking lot, put it in the very best, closest-to-the-door spot, and put a plastic bag over it. Not only will this prevent your bitch neighbor from having a close spot in the blizzards, but it will trick people who don't know it's there, into thinking it is an open spot, when surrounded by other cars.

And if those eight tips don't help you in being the worst neighbor ever, you can always poop really loud, or cook fried curry shitballs to stink up the whole hallway, or open a box of cookies in the entry way, spill them, and step all over them.. making a crumbly mess for everyone to walk on.

Oh, Don't forget to leave food wrappers on said bitch neighbor's door mat. She loves cleaning up after you!

{image via www.apartmenttherapy.com & www.watchandtrain.com}

I Freaking Hate Winter: In Bullet Point Format

I am currently living in the frozen tundra snowing and blowing hell that is upstate New York. Here, we enjoy lake effect snow, which rapes us 5 out of 7 days of the week. Sure, there are worse places to live in this country, and world.. but there are also a lot nicer places I could be if it wasn't for my obscure undergraduate major that is offered at about 2 schools.

Although I was born in raised in a relatively cold region, we rarely got snow like this. And when we did, the whole city shut down for the incompetent drivers that would be terrorizing the streets, and slamming into children at bus stops. In Rochester, kids just snowshoe to class like nothings miserable about not being able to see 10 feet in front of you, while cars whiz by.

So, to combat my Spring Fever, and my hatred for the cold, allow me to make a list of all the things that make me sad that Global Warming is a made up scheme by the government to grab more power and money from the people that are supposed to run it (Oh no! Snarky political commentary.. does she really believe that?).

Oh, and the pictures of this post will be themed upon my winter hat collection, as seen above.

Things I Hate About Winter by Courtney Rae

• I see my gas tank is on empty and I dread standing outside to pump fuel because of the Rigor Mortis-like symptoms that occur even through 8 layers of clothes and 2 pairs of gloves.
• Car accidents. One time, thanks to douche bags who suck at driving, I totaled my Passat and spent my pre-Christmas festivities in the hospital, and the adjacent Spring Break getting a third collar bone surgery. I have really sexy foot long scars and some giant metal plates bulging out of my shoulders. I keep having to turn down Playboy offers.

• I forget a scarf, or don't check the weather and then snow blows down my shirt.
  Freaking hats. If there's anything to ruin a good hair day, it's a snow cap. Then, I put my hair up.. and I look like a body with pink bowling ball balancing on top (shown above).
• Gloves. I'm lucky if I go 2 weeks without losing one. A full set of matching gloves, hat and scarf never make it to through a whole season without at least one item going AWOL.
• Big Fat Coats. The ambiguous gender look, so hot right now.

• Static. When I was little, I would go to the Carnegie Science Center and touch this electric current ball, and my hair would stand straight up. It's basically the same thing now, minus the Science Center, minus the ball, and minus any enjoyment.
• No ice cream. Nobody loves going out for ice cream like this Courtney does. You can't have freaking ice cream in January unless your a crazy person. (Sorry Mom, I know you eat LOTS of ice cream in the winter..)

• The song about sticking your tongue out and catching snowflakes is bullshit. If you eat any of this snow, you will probably get cholera, Lyme disease, or maybe just a healthy portion dirt, poop, sand, and frozen angel tears over the sin of creating a city in such a horrible portion of the earth.
• Boots. At least in some cold places, it is still possible to wear shoes in the winter. Here, it is not. When you have upwards 60 pairs of adorable, expensive, designer pumps, flats and sandals, it really sucks to let them rot in your closet while you where knee-high rubber boots everyday to save your lower legs from freezing. Plus, I look like a 6 year old, ready to jump in rain puddles.

• Why can't the grocery store have a drive-thru? I get fat in the winter, because I select food on how little outside time it requires for me to eat it.
• Shoveling. Luckily, I live in a princess castle were my servants do this all for me, but man, that used to suck. "Hey, let's be freezing, and sweaty, all at the same time!"
• Sloppy wet shoes that leave dirty, salty puddles all over my once beautiful tiled foyer (pronounced "foi -yeay" for dramatic effect)
• I spend 15 minutes wiping the snow off my car windows for 10 minutes worth of driving. They are re-covered in 10 minutes of parking.
• Sickness. Everybody is magically diseased and has snot dripping down their faces. Stay home, you germy, disgusting creature, you.

• Everything fun about the summer is the complete opposite.
• Snow plows. If you've never lived in a really snowy area, you don't know what I mean. I only learned about the triad of monster plows that rage down the streets at night, like a bad street gang. Nothing frightens me more about snow driving, than thinking about accidentally getting in the way of one these terrifying machines.
• Snowball fights. Attention anyone on my college campus: If you seriously throw snow at me, you seriously die.

• Pants. I hate them, I hate wearing them, I hate everything that goes along with them. In Courtney World, pants are not illegal, but highly frowned upon. 
• I know the lines are hard to see, but I could park better than you, blindfolded with no arms, or feet, or a brain. You suck.
• If you drop ANYTHING, it is ruined, unless it's a rock, which lives outside anyways. Snow is not your friend, despite whatever the Winter Olympic commercials have been telling you.

Honestly, I could go on for pages and pages, until your eyes bled (or you stopped reading, which is probably what you usually do anyways when I ramble..), but I will not.. for you get the idea. And blah blah, don't tell me you like to ski, and like to snowmobile. So do I. Except I don't have time for any of those things because I'm to busy waiting for my car to warm up.

When I grow up, I'm going to move somewhere warm, and then I can blog about how much I hate the sun... Lie. I can't say that, I will never hate you, sun, I love you.

This Week In Courtney Rae

So, usually I write these posts on Fridays, but it is far past Friday, which tells you just how busy my week was. I had a huge Anatomy 2-part exam (lab part, lecture part) on Wednesday, which I studied like a maniac for.. and it paid off! But surely there were some more interesting things that happened...

-My Kate Spade bag came in the mail that I bought on Gilt Groupe, it was only $70.00 with the credits I had. Not bad off of $250. So, go there, sign up and get yourself a deal, my loves:

-After 7 hours of studying for the exam I was talking about, I started to go a little crazy. This resulted in me having to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid on my face for 3 days. If your having a hard time understanding how studying, and facial injuries go together.. so am I.

-Lithuanian beer. I found the huge beers from around the world heaven that is located near me. It was delicious, and it made me proud of my heritage!

-I made the mistake of going shoe shopping with my boyfriend. I picked out many sexy pumps and classy boots in which he told me were all ugly. He then proceeds to tell me that I have the worst taste in fashion, ever. So, I told him to select a pair he thought I should be liking. He picked a pair, and I seriously thought he was kidding. He was 100% not kidding. And.. here they are:

 -I stepped on a dead mouse in my parking lot. Yeah. EW. It was all soggy from the rain, too. Grossest thing ever..

-Snow. Yes, more snow. As last week, upstate NY was spoiled with a heat wave of 40 degree weather, we are back to the miserable hell that we are used to:

-Twitter. I almost have 300 followers. My blogger friends also make the best tweeters, so help me out and follow me @stickylipgloss!!

And in conclusion, that was my week. I have one more big project to finish up, tonight, and then hopefully I can come back for at least a decent chunk of time. Sorry if I haven't been reading and commenting too much lately, I really do love you guys..